Foot in Mouth

Well I think I had one of those foot in mouth moments.  After being so frustrated with hanging in the wind with whether I am or am I not getting winter work.  We are thank you to the upper management who went through so much work making sure we are not laid off.  As well as the frustration of working all summer long doing the job of four people when two of the four doing the bare minimum and the other person because he thinks he is high and mighty with his half-arsed detail doing nothing.  He was doing nothing and trying to soak up as many hours as possible and thought he was big man because he was picking his own hours and doing whatever the hell he wanted.  Then when I make a simple mistake that was an easy fix because it was just in the log that we keep for our benefits I get told that I must be too tired and they deny me any overtime for a week.  However everyone else can make mistake after mistake and its just brushed aside as Alexis will take care of it.  So getting back to putting my foot in my mouth we had the end of year meeting where we discussed what went well and what went wrong in the season.  That's when it popped out that and I quote "It was fucking miserable in dispatch this year".  The whole thing came up when one of the guys said he wished supervisors would listen better and I agreed.  When asked to specify I made it clear that I didn't feel comfortable going into it in front of everyone so now I'm waiting for them to call a meeting to inquire as to why it was the season from HELL.  More on that when it comes :(

IF ONLY I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK!!-Writing Prompt

4.) 10 things you would do if you didn’t have to work.

Lets see what are 10 things I would do if I didn't have to work...that's a hard one since I am a work-aholic.

#1  Go back to the farm or more specifically stay all year round in Grays Lake.  This is something I dream of being able to do.  Go back to the farm and work there.  The pay sucks and its hard work but the view of the trees when they turn colors make it all worth it.  The closest town being an hour and a half away and the nearest non relation neighbor is a good 10-15 miles and the relation neighbor is a good 1-1.5 miles.  Everything is wide open and the deer wander up into the yard for a taste of the salt lick that we throw out for the cows.

#2 Open a restaurant in Grays Lake only open during hunting season.  This way I can see people but not have to worry about having a boss and a hectic schedule.  Everything there is nice and slow paced and the hunters would only need food bright and early in the morning and dinner.  Heck if its a good season the end of year party would be a blow out one with wild game as the meal and kegs and beer and just one big party.

#3 Travel.  That's an easy one I would love to go wander New Zealand, Scotland, and Ireland.  Those three are on my bucket list of places to travel before i die.  They seem to have that mystery that is just so appealing.  I think I would also like to go to Germany for historical purposes.

Wow this is harder than I thought....

#4  Open up a guided hunting reserve.  In Grays Lake of course.  Then I could be in my favorite spot in the whole world and not have to leave.  We have the deer, moose, and elk who bed down in the hay fields and just above the house you have the bears, wolves, mountain lions for those who want a peek (no shooting the last two please). 

#5 Operate a camp for stressed out executives.  I could run that operation to coincide with the hunting one and continue it in the off season.  The place is so remote there is no cell service and the Internet so having them get a way from it all is really not that difficult.  In the summer there is fishing, hiking, bird watching, and all sorts of wonderful outdoorsy stuff.  In the fall there is still all of those things but also you get to see the leaves change into the beautiful oranges, reds, browns, and purple (gotta love quakee pronounced qu-a-key trees).  In the winter the snow above the roof of the house so you can go cross country skiing or get out the tractor and plow a sledding hill down the side of the mountain and then go sledding and if you get enough speed it sends you out into the field and you end up by the icy stream where the cool water gives off that wonderful mountain smell.  If that isn't inviting watching the snow fall as you are inside sipping cocoa/apple cider next to a fire or reading a book next to it.  Finally you have the spring and the rains that also give off the mountain/sage smelled that makes it nice to sit on the porch wrapped in a blanket reading a book or watching the rain with the smell all around you.

#6 Go every year to the Idaho State Fair in Blackfoot.  This was something I did as a young child and it was the highlight of the year.  We would go on all the rides and sit outside the arena and listen to who ever was playing (I watched Tim McGraw when his Indian outlaw just came out I was 8 I think) and eat a tigers ear which was a huge scone smothered in honey butter.

#7 Fix fence.  A great way to take out all your frustrations.  Its an inanimate object so you can't hurt it and it won't try to answer or fix problems you don't need fixed.  Need a killer workout where you don't even notice your doing it try this killer work out.  Carry a 20lb bag of staples with a big roll of wire hooked to the belt loop a pair of pliers in your pocket and a hammer in the loop on the staple bag.  Then walk till you are out of staples walk all the way back to the four-wheeler and drive to where you ran out of staples and repeat until you either run out of staples or run out of daylight or complete the fence.  The next day either do it again on the same fence or move on to the next one.

#8 Cut and Rake hay.  Another great job for an antisocial person like myself and my child.  Sit in a tractor all day and cut or rake a hill (no baleing for me that is my Uncle's job he has the Baler).  When done move to the next field and when all that is done collect the hay bails and put them into a stack and if they need to go down to the valley load the Mack and haul them down to the Valley repeat until finished.

#9  Live for a couple of years in the backwoods in Alaska.  Just to see if I can do it.  Find a "foster" for lack of a better word family to take me in and walk me through the chores and hardships of living in a remote area that I have not grown up in. 

#10 Volunteer in a veterans hospital.  More specifically those who have no family or those who don't ever get visitors.  Be there to listen to their stories and all the or just them.

When I read through this list after making it I laughed because only a couple things do not relate to finishing one job then starting a completely new job in place that makes me the happiest.

Just Another Day

So its another day where Its been so slow at work that I have way to much thinking time on my hands.  Yesterday was an absolute nightmare at work for reasons I can not go into.  However I asked/text (I was at work) my live-in-Boyfriend for one little thing, because I was going to be stuck at work till close to midnight, "can you go pick up Christopher at the babysitters.  One little question and shouldn't have been such a big deal but it ended up being one.  Instead of a yes, which if it was his kids and the role was reversed you could bet I would pick them up at wherever they were, I received a reply of "well um...the boys and I are going to watch the UFC fight and Buffalo Wild Wings" aka I don't really want to also note that the "boys" are his kids ages 16 and 14 so it wasn't a no child allowed.  Then I receive a text saying "why can't you do it", its at that time I wanted to reply well duh...I'm at work across town and can't go get him, instead of saying this I text him back saying never mind then.  Then I get this gem of "if you need me to I guess I can".  Um NO! I am not going to have you go pick up my child when you obviously don't want to and why do you think I asked you to get him for shits and giggles?  I needed you to pick him up because it was going to be late before I could get off.  Instead I decided that it didn't even deserve an answer and thank god for my boss she understood what was going on and said stay till 8 then go get the baby.  When I finally make it home at 9:30 he looks at me and said I would have gone and got him and I thought you had to work until midnight.  Because we had company I told him that I didn't even want to get into it and proceeded to make the baby something to eat.  He doesn't seem to understand why I'm not real happy with him His friend asked whats the matter with her and he was all I dont' know maybe it was a stressful day at work.  Yea and then some <insert eye roll>

Yea this is a whine post but dam I'm pissed.  I hate these stretches of if it is not about him or his kids then he could care less.  Am I wrong to feel this way?  I know he does a lot around the house and when he doesn't have to work I can leave Chris with him, but he had been home for a time that day and with the possibility of me being laid of in a couple of days I was trying to pick up as many hours as I could.  When I got the chance it seems that it was no I don't want to do more than I really need to.  Sometimes I'm beginning to think that it is time to have my own space once again because its not really working.  Then he will do something like buy Chris school clothes for Preschool because mom hasn't had a chance because work was way busy and she wasn't making it home before the stores closed.  Go ahead tell me I'm being a baby and to suck it and put on my big girl panties but I needed to vent and this is the best place.

Another's Blog

I was browsing through blogs today to see what other people were looking at and stubled across one that I think everyone needs to read.  It touches on some of the hard truths like bullying that is becoming more and more publicized.  To read The Disease Called "Perfection" click here:  http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html.  Be advised that the author is very blunt and holds no punches.

Your crazy in laws-prompt 1-9/22/2011

Almost every one has seen Everybody Loves Ramond.  You know the mother Marie on that show my ex-Grandmother-in-law is the insperation behind that woman.  Marie is known for being overbearing and sometimes downright nasty to her daughter-in-law, Raymonds wife.  If you times Marie by 10 you will get the picture of the lovely ex-Grandmother, in fact they even look somewhat alike.

Back in 2007 my now ex-Husband and I moved into his grandparents house in Baltimore which was across the country from my parents so that he could attend school there.  We had only been married a month and money was tight so rather than get an apartment for the 15 months we were going to be there they extended the offer that we (my husband and myself and my 6 month old son) move in with them, I regretted that decision from the first month untill I moved out 7 months later.  I have to admit that I was having a hard time adjusting to being so far from my support system and being in a part of the country I had never been to before.  Having never lived a big city before didn't realize how much more expensive it was going to be.  The two of us in school and only myself working full time, feeling like I was taking care of two kids instead of married with one, and being the only one willing to clean this gigantic house that seems to have never been cleaned in all the 15 + years that it had lived in I think I had a right to feel overwheelmed. 

I don't know what I did to get on her bad side but it seems I had acheived that in the first two weeks.  Maybe it was the fact that I scrubbed all of her linoleum/tile floors on my hands and knees on the first day and vaccummed and dusted everything on the second and third day, but it seemed that for some reason this women did not like how I was rasing my child or dressed or treated her grandson.  The first week I was informed that at 6 months my child should no longer be napping and the only thing he could be fed was baked potato mashed with a little butter mixed for flavor, he still will not eat potatoes to this day.  A week later I was then asked if his father, who was not my husband, was a heavy man.  When I told her no she said oh then you must be why this child is so fat.  Umm...isn't that the pot calling the kettle black, I had a baby not to long ago what is your excuse is what I wanted to say, but I didn't instead I smiled and took my son back from evil woman as I had now decided to refer to her in my mind and took my son for a nice long walk to cool off before doing or saying something equally nasty.  By the end of the month she had made my life so miserable that I cried myself to sleep and I was calling my mother more and more frequent which was a change since we didn't have that close of a relationship.  At the end of the first month ex-grandmother-in-law or evil woman if you will would tell me every other hour when I was home that there was no shame in getting a divorce (even though we had been married for two months) and returning home.  I wanted to tell her that it wasn't him making me so miserable it was her.

In the end it was a battle over everything.  We had bought prepaid phones so we wouldn't pay extra by going over on minutes and we would only call each other but that wasn't good enough for her precious gandson and she promptly bought him a cell phone, but sneered over the fact that I needed one though I prefered to use the prepaid one that we paid for because if I used his I was a money grubbing witch who was taking her grandson's money, even though he didn't work I did.  She didn't see a need for both of us to have one since he was going to school in a classroom and I was just going to school online.  This is just a gloss over most of what was going on, but I think the picture has come accross.  After 7 months total I realized that I was unhappy both in my marriage and living in a place where no matter what I did I was criticized.  I returned to the area where my family is, took a great summer job which helped me get into the position with benefits I am in now, and after trying the distance making the heart grow fonder I ended up divorced after, and this is really bad I know, only 1 year.  It was a learning experience. It taught me never ever move in with someone who swears they are trying to "help you out", don't rush into something that seems to good to be true because the chance of it being to good is about right, and finally only you can make yourself happy and only you have the power to change it, if you get the opportunity to make it better take it before its gone.

Just for the fun of it

So because the season is now crawling along to the finish (two more weeks) and I am having more and more moments of complete boredom now that I no longer have school work in the evenings to fill the time.  I have decided to dabble in writing a book.  I will have a page here on my blog where I will slowly and steadily add to it.  Be forewarned that It has been for ever since I have indulged in creative writing though it has always been one of my favorite things so it might be terrible or hey it might be somewhat decent.  We will see but it will probably go like this terrible terible somewhat better a little bit better then better then better then done.  Wish me luck!!!

Red Writing Hood- Prompt#30

I think I am a week late on writing this but thought it would be fun to do a post on it anyway.

30. Write a piece that begins with the line, “I could never have imagined” and ends with the line, “Then the whole world shifted.

I could never have imagined what was going to be said when I actually called him back.  You see I hadn't talked to him in three months, not since his ex-best friend and I officially started dating.  We had broken up on bad terms and his ex-friend and I hadn't ment to become a couple we were just friends then those feelings grew.  Neither one of us had hung out or talked to him since then.  We had been avoiding him because he was not happy about it.  I had left a week ealier for my summer job and they had hung out for the first time since he was told of our news. 

  Now I was getting a call saying his ex-friend and my heart and sole had died...and not in a freak accident the word "murder" was actually coming from his mouth.  It was then I went into shock I heard the words but they never penetrated.  The right sounds were made like devestation was setting in, but have to admit I hadn't absorbed what was being said.  As I stubled my way to the couch in the barracks where I would be staying at for the fire season I kept playing the words "murdered" and "I tried to save him in my head".  I didn't know what to think or what to do at that point. 

  As I sat there on the couch one of the guys from the engine crew came and sat across from me and he may have said a few things most likely "good morning" and the such, but the only ones that penetrated was "you look like you are in shock".  It was then that all the words that hadn't hit a few minutes before were tumbling out of my mouth.  After only getting half way through the story I had just been told the bile rose up and I barely made it to the bathroom.  I vaguely remember someone poking their head into the bathroom to make sure I was alright and myself curled up next to the bathroom floor sobbing. 

  The guys tried to convice me that going into work that day was not a good idea.  I told them that I could either be miserable or go to work where it had been so busy that there wasn't enough time to think of anything other than work. As the week led up to the funeral I felt terrible but chalked it up to being so upset.  I was not able to eat and when I did couldn't keep it down.  When I slept it was very poorly all with terrible night terrors all showing me all the different ways the love of my life could have died.  Upon arrival in our home town for his funeral I stayed with one of my best friends.  After observing what was going on she made the comment well maybe you are pregnant.  Ten hours before the funeral is when I took the test.  At the appropriate time I checked on the results...I was pregnant with my dead boyfriend's baby.  Then the whole world shifted.

Questions

Have you ever felt that you had more questions than answers?  Or maybe life is moving in a direction you do not like but have no control over and are just along for the ride.  That would explain the stage I am at right now.  We are coming up on the end of another fire season and I am not sure if I am ready to see it end or want it to slow down and maybe last another two to three weeks.  For those of you who have never had the pleasure of dealing with wildland fire it is an unpredictable job.  A lot like structure fire fighting without the stability of year round.  When the rain and snow (I know its Vegas we still get rain and snow, sometimes...) the seaon is done.  I work for a district that is one of the few that will try to find something for you to do for the 6 months we cannot work with the exception of a mandatory 2 week lay off around Christmas, but this year isn't looking so great.  I have a scant two weeks left and have not gotten a confirmation that I am actually going to have a winter job.  Its one of those million questions I have.  Do I or Do I NOT have a winter job and if not when will you tell me so I can start putting in applications elsewhere so I can gasp...pay off the ridiculous amount of student loans I have, support my child, and keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.  So what is a girl to do.  I have thought about freelancing however they all tell me you need more experience before we will even give your portfolio a look.  So tell me oh hi and mighty job interviewer possible freelance gig...how am I suppose to get mor experience if no one will give me a chance.  I can just imagine how many people out there are saying the same thing.  So please share you stories and who knows maybe just maybe someone will run across it and say hey I will give you a chance just show me what you can do.